Week 23

Symptoms?

Lots of round ligament pain this week as the belly seems to be finally growing more.  The unpleasant GI stuff continues, which was to be expected.  I have noticed my heart starting to race for no reason too, which is so weird.  It's not all bad though, my hair and nails are growing like crazy!

Stretch marks?

No!  Still oiling up every day though. 

Food cravings?
I mostly crave fruit.  I bought some more grapes and am devouring them, also strawberries and mangoes are tasting awesome.  I had a serious craving for ANYTHING lemon this week and made a pan of lemon bars, bought lemon yogurt, lemonade, and some lemon hard candy.

Movement?

Oh yes, I can definitely feel it.  I will have loooong stretches of nothing though, but then it always starts up again.  I think the kicking is rather uncomfortable to be honest, but its reassuring. 

Workouts?

Meh.  I did some more yoga, another barre class, and some walking.  I did run a little and then felt awful afterwards. I'd like to be more active than I have been lately, but I think most of it will have to be in the form of walking.

Sleep?
I usually am ready for bed by 9 and fall asleep right away.  I can usually make it through the night with only 1 bathroom break, but I do sort of toss and turn from side to side throughout the night.  My hips get really sore if I don't put a pillow between my knees!

Gender?

GIRL!!! 

Maternity clothes? 

I got a couple of workout tops that aren't maternity, but they have drawstrings at the bottom and do the job.  Seriously so ready for hot weather so I can wear dresses!

what I miss? 

I have really been missing hard workout and running long distances.  It's weird not training for any races this summer, I am already picking out some that I want to run after the baby comes!

Baby Questions

Calling all who are more experienced in newborn care than me…so aka, everyone on the planet.  I have been doing a ton of research online about various infant-related topics, but there are some things that I would just like to get some opinions on.  All opinions welcome-really.  People love giving advice to pregnant women, and most of the time its unwarranted- but THIS is warranted, this is your chance!

Question #1:  Any recommendations for childbirth and newborn care classes?  Our hospital sends their patients to Amma Parenting Center for all classes, but OMG they are expensive.  We are planning to take their newborn care + breastfeeding class, but would really love to avoid paying for more than one really expensive class.  My question I guess is how helpful was a childbirth/labor class?  I could be really naive here, but I feel like a lot of what happens in labor isn't exactly up to you, so I don't quite understand paying nearly 200$ to learn about all of the different variables that might not even apply to me in the end.  Has anyone tried the free classes at The Childbirth Collective, and if so, were they enough to replace a full-day class?  Our plan is to do their childbirth/labor class, but I don't want to if its  a waste of time!

Question #2:  What type of help did you need in the first few weeks after giving birth?  I generally do not do well accepting help from people.  The idea of having people come over to generally "help out" makes me so uncomfortable.  I just imagine a living room full of family members wanting to help and me feeling like I have to entertain them or come up with things to make them feel useful, or worse, constantly clean the house so they don't think we're gross.  So, what really is useful?  Any specific tasks I could ask for help?

Question #3.  Cloth diapers. Do you use them?  Did you decide against them?  What types to do you like?  What is your normal diaper routine like?  I'm really hoping to be able to make cloth diapering work, purely for the reason that it saves money.  There are just SO many options out there, almost too many in my opinion.  What worked for you?

I have more questions to ask, but I'll just start with these 3 and see how much feedback I get.  One of my favorite things about blogging is that I get access to this great resource through all of you.  Your thoughts and opinions are really valuable to me, as a first time mom with very few friends with kids.

The Other Side

Wasn't that guest post from Wednesday awesome? Emily did such a great job answering a lot of questions that have been on my mind recently.  Lauren has really put together such an amazing collections of posts about infertility all in one space, so head on over and check it out, if you haven't done so already.  I was talking to her earlier this week and she passed on this great blog post for me to read.  It got me to thinking.  As I read through all of these amazing stories from different bloggers, I am noticing a running theme about how to interact with your infertile friend, but the post linked above does a great job explaining what its like to be on the other side.  I really wanted to take a moment to write about my own experience and to give a little perspective of what its like to be the one with the baby bump.

These might not apply to everyone, so keep that in mind, but this is just what I've experienced.  It's my experience of having friends and family with infertility, and my own route to getting pregnant and being pregnant.  I was terrified of infertility in the years leading up to getting pregnant.  Both my aunt and uncle on my dad's side were unable to pregnant naturally.  My aunt never did end up having kids, and my uncle and his wife eventually gave me 2 much younger cousins through IVF.  Due to my family history, an irregular period, a chronic illness, and never getting a positive on an OPK, I sought help.  I eventually had an HSG and was supposed to go on Clomid the day I found out I was pregnant.  I really feel like I lucked out, and sometimes I feel really guilty about it, so just know this:

1. We (your fertile friends) might feel really guilty.  Sometimes I feel like my infertile friends would make a better parent than me.  It's confusing to deal with.  There is no rhyme or reason, but your pain affects us in different ways.  I truly thought I was going to be in the infertile club, and I feel absolutely terrible for ever making a "big deal" out of my own fears now.

2. We think (an excruciating amount) about how to break the news to you that we got lucky.  I did my best to inform my infertile friends about my pregnancy before they heard it from someone else.  I painstakingly thought about how to approach the conversation.  I did not look forward to it at all, but not telling you personally seemed more disrespectful.  I'm really sorry if I used the wrong words, but my intention was always to protect your feelings.  Same goes for stupid things I might accidentally say a long the way.  If I say something really stupid, its probably because I'm frantically trying to come up with anything to make you feel better, unhelpful but with good intentions.

3. Don't assume that just because we got pregnant that there aren't other issues we're dealing with.  You never know who might be experiencing something really scary or painful, even if they got pregnant.  This is important to me because I have a chronic illness, which happens to also be an invisible illness, meaning that no one can look at me and know I have it, just like infertility.  Getting pregnant was really scary for me and I thought FOR YEARS about whether my body would tolerate being pregnant.  So far it has, but it hasn't been easy and it hasn't been without pain.  I know I'm really fortunate to be pregnant in the first place, and I won't sit around complaining about it, but just know that you can't always know what another person is going through.  I need just as much support and encouragement dealing with my disease as you do with yours.

4.  Most importantly, know that we genuinely care.  We want to see you happy, we want to support you, we want to remain friends.  We want to raise our kids with your kids.  More than anything, we want to learn how to navigate this with you.  Please allow us the chance.

Infertility Awareness- Guest Post

You guys, I am SO honored today to let Emily share part of her infertility journey on my blog.  Lauren had this great idea to connect a bunch of bloggers together to participate in a blog-swap for infertility awareness week, so make sure to check out her blog and read all of the other posts.  And now…some words from Emily:

I'm realizing more and more that I am a voice for infertility. I'm not a loud voice or an especially unique voice or a brilliant voice or anything like that...just a voice. Many issues are close to my heart - the education of women around the world, racism, fighting the stigma surrounding mental illness...the list goes on.

But right now, infertility is my focus. Maybe it's because I'm in the procreating stage of life. Maybe it's because at least every other day, I hear from another woman who is struggling through infertility and loss. We are 1 in 8. We are everywhere.

But I've got to be honest. Sometimes, in moments of self doubt, I wonder whether my cause is worthwhile. Don't get me wrong. It's important. That's for sure. 

But it's not cancer.

It's not AIDS.

It's not domestic violence.

It's not starvation or malaria or sex trafficking. 

It's not killing anybody.

And maybe that's true. Maybe deaths directly related to infertility are extremely rare. Maybe it's never even happened. But if that's our measuring stick - whether anyone dies from it - then aren't our standards pretty low?

Infertility may not steal lives from this earth but it does steal dreams, joy and life savings. It steals emotional stability. It steals friendships and even marriages. Infertility can steal our self esteem, our careers, even our faith.

I remember reading a study that states that the rates of depression and anxiety in individuals suffering from infertility rival those of patients diagnosed with other very serious diseases, including cancer and hypertension. Infertility is an excruciating journey, one that seems to swallow our lives whole. It's surrounded by stigma and ignorance. Infertility diagnoses such an endometriosis can cause debilitating chronic pain. Polycystic ovarian syndrome can make it very difficult to maintain a healthy weight, which in turn can contribute to all sorts of physical problems. In certain cases, miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies can be extremely dangerous to the health of the mother. 

I also want to make the point that people are dying from infertility...our children are dying. After miscarrying our son Ethan at 19 weeks, my doctor told us that my specific infertility diagnosis played a role in his death. I've read many definitions of infertility that include "recurrent miscarriage" as a factor. We, as an infertility community, are losing babies every day.

But despite all of this, I know that many of us remain unconvinced that infertility is a big deal. Insurance companies still put infertile people in a category with those seeking breast augmentations. We still hear things like, "You can borrow my kids any time!" and "Maybe you're just not doing it right." Like I mentioned earlier, sometimes even I, as a self-proclaimed voice for infertility, struggle with doubts about whether I should be focusing my efforts on something...bigger. But earlier today, a thought dropped into my brain that will stick with me forever...

Those of you who have children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews...imagine with me for one awful moment what it would be like to lose them...to cancer...or a car crash...or a senseless act of violence. Imagine the devastation of that loss. Imagine the grief that would sink deep down into your soul and just stay there. Imagine the anger. Imagine the loss of joy, of faith, of purpose.

Now, instead...imagine never having had them at all. Imagine that they were never here, that those precious lives never even existed. That you were never able to touch them, talk to them, read to them, play with them. Imagine that they never had names, never had personalities. Imagine never being able to bury your laughter in their hair or see their picture hanging on your wall. Imagine that they were...nothing. But this isn't just a blank, benign nothingness. This is the type of nothingness that leaves a gaping, aching hole in your heart.

That's what it's like to have infertility. That's what it's like for the countless men and women for whom the most expensive, invasive treatments never work. That's what it's like for families who stay on the adoption waiting list for years and never receive a match. That's what it's like for couples who miscarry over and over. That's what it's like for families who know in their hearts that they were meant to have a large family but every evening, they set the table for only three or four.

That's why it's so important to know that infertility is a disease and that our struggle matters. So if you have someone in your life who is weathering the storm of infertility, please validate their journey. If you don't know how to do that, here are a few ideas to get you started:

• Say something like, "I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes, but I would like listen if you feel like talking."
• Do a little bit of research on your friend's condition. Sometimes infertile people feel overwhelmed by having to explain their disease over and over and over, so it helps if you start out with even the most basic knowledge.
• Vow to never give advice unless your friend specifically asks you for it. Oftentimes, suggestions like "maybe you just need to relax" or "you can always adopt" end up doing more harm than good.

It can be awkward and scary to step into someone else's pain, but it's so important. Please validate the infertility journey and come alongside the ones who walk this path.

Week 22

This week has been a little rough.  I feel more like I did in the first trimester and I'm not really loving that.  Also, like I mentioned yesterday, I had an incredibly rough night over the weekend with terrible abdominal pain and cramping (all GI related- which I knew) and I'm getting more and more frustrated trying to manage my chronic illness while pregnant.

Symptoms?

Like I said, lots of unpleasant symptoms this week.  Holy heartburn!  Omg, TUMS are my best friend. I've had nausea and fatigue all week too.  The belly is growing, but so slowly.  Even though it isn't big, I feel so much more limited in all the ways I can bend and move.  Whatever hasn't expanded out to the front has definitely filled up all of the room in my abdomen- its rock hard!

Stretch marks?

No!  Still oiling up every day though. 

Food cravings?

Nothing really this week.  I'm having hard time eating enough because I eat a normal sized meal and then stay SO FULL for hours on end. I can barely eat at all by dinner time :( 

Movement?

Definitely more movement!  Mark was able to feel a couple kicks too! 

Workouts?

Still doing some prenatal yoga, some barre, some walking the dog, and some elliptical at the gym. I am loving being able to walk outside after dinner!

Sleep?
It's funny, I'm really not that big yet at all but I feel like I need at least 2 pillows to keep me in a comfortable position while I sleep.  Lying flat on my back is definitely not comfortable anymore, but I keep waking up like that!

Gender?

GIRL!!! 

Maternity clothes? 

I LOVE that I can finally wear some of my summer stuff!  I can't wait for sundress weather!  I did find my running shorts to be a little tight in the waist though, anyone have any suggestions for athletic shorts?? 

what I miss? 

I momentarily missed a mimosa at brunch on Sunday, but my plain orange juice was just as satisfying.  

Easter Weekend

I have to say that this Easter was much happier for me than last.  If you have been reading this for awhile, you might remember that an old friend of mine was killed in a bike accident last Easter weekend and that I found out while watching the news at my in-laws house.  While that memory is upsetting, this weekend was still really nice and peaceful.  We decided to stay in town this year and spend the holiday with my parents, which was nice because it was really quiet and relaxed.

Staying in town meant that we got to have both a real weekend AND a holiday.  We went out on a dinner date Friday night, but unfortunately I got really sick at the restaurant.  I had a horrible flare up of my colonic inertia, which has been so much worse with pregnancy and without my interstim or medication.  We had to leave and rush home where I spent the rest of the night in horrible pain.

I was much better by Saturday morning and even made it to my class at Blooma.  I took it WAY easy though, because I wasn't feeling the best still.  I met up with my friend Sonja for some breakfast after the class, and spent the rest of the day running errands with Mark.

Sunday morning was all about church and brunch.  We went to church with my parents and then headed over to their country club for the BEST BRUNCH EVER!  I seriously love their brunch so much and I always look forward to it whenever we have a chance to go.  But holy moly, I was so stuffed afterwards.  Somehow I got myself out of the food coma in the afternoon to go for a walk with my dog.  Mark went to play golf and we ended up walking past the golf course at the same time he was on the hole near the road.  Shay was so cute and recognized him right away, even though it was from a distance.  Seriously, dogs are so smart.  

We spent a lot of time outside in the BEAUTIFUL weather hoping that its here to stay!  I found it quite fitting that after the worst winter ever, that God decided to give us this incredible day on Easter.  THANK YOU for that God!

Paleo banana bread

I'm definitely NOT on the paleo diet, and never intend to be, but yesterday I did a little paleo baking.  In all honestly, I actually have a quite negative view of the paleo diet and other restrictive diets, so maybe you're wondering why I made paleo banana bread in the first place.  While I don't believe that people should be grain-free, I do enjoy learning how to use new ingredients.  I had some almond flour that had been taking up space around here for way too long.  I got it to make paleo cookies for a friend who follows the diet, but the cookies were an epic fail, so I wanted to use up the almond flour in a different recipe.  I won't lie to you and say this is the BEST banana bread I've ever had.  No, the best banana bread would be the one with the flour and butter and sugar.  BUT…if you must be on a special diet, this is a pretty good alternative to the real stuff.  It's not much to look at though, but I can promise it tastes better than it looks. 

2 cups almond flour

1 tablespoon cinnamon

1 teaspoon baking soda

2 eggs

1/2 cup water

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/4 cup agave syrup

2 ripe bananas, mashed

Chocolate chips (optional- mine weren't paleo)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Spray loaf pan with cooking spray.

Mix together almond flour, ground cinnamon, and baking soda in a bowl.

Beat two eggs in a bowl. Mix in water, almond extract, agave syrup, mashed bananas, and vanilla bean paste. Add banana mixture to almond flour mixture; mix until no dry areas are visible. Pour batter into the prepared loaf pan.

Bake banana bread in the preheated oven until brown and crisp around the edges, about 45 minutes.

Enjoy!